that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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