Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
