He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
