I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You smell like a Billy Joel song
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
