Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
