I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
