I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
