If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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