don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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