Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
