after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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