The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I supernannyed him into submission
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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