I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
