I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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