I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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