If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
