my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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