I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
