Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
