I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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