also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
