So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
