I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
