Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
