Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
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Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
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Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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