So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
it's like iHOP with fire
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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