I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
