Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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