My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
