Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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