bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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