I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
