i'm lost and i look like a hooker
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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