I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
