Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
