i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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