omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
