So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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