guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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