I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
