I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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