i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
