I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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