Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
