Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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