I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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