Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She needs sedatives and a leash
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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