The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
