I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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