Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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