I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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