Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
I used to kick so much ass
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.