the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
