i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
