When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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