i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
