So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
