I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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