FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
